Coming out of 12 years in the education system, straight into 4 years of tertiary education, you’d think we’d be a little better equipped for dealing with real life, real decisions, real jobs and real responsibility… I can only speak for myself when I say that I had not a cooking clue. The idea of interviewing for a job terrified me, I didn’t know which role would suit me, I couldn’t imagine a 9-5 and at the same time I had this weirdly inflated sense of self – this vision for myself that didn’t quite suit my stumbling, stuttering 20-year-old reality. This led me down a path of indecision, inaction, panic and angst (sounds fun, right?!). And it’s only now that I reflect back that I can pick up some hard truths I wish I’d learnt a little sooner… So that being said, I’d like to share three key lessons I’ve learned along my journey; lessons that I wish I had known when I was 20. Here we go.
Lesson One: Just because you can see yourself living a certain life does NOT mean you deserve it…
…YET.
In today’s day and age we are bombarded with individualistic messages that – in a way – have us believing we deserve things to be handed to us on a platter. We live in a hypersensitive culture that demands that my needs, my feelings, my demands be heard and prioritised by others. We shy away from discomfort. We seek instant gratification and don’t understand the value of shorter term sacrifice for long term gain.
As such, we can create a vision for our lives that outweighs our reality. By reality, I mean the reality of our skills, network, experience etc. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. I think it’s awesome to have a vision for yourself, for the job you want to have, and the life you want to lead.
The problem arises when we make the assumption that nothing other than our vision is good enough. So we say no to opportunities that aren’t perfect… We leave jobs after 2 months because the job we imagined is not the job we actually got. We turn down offers because the starting salary doesn’t meet the free-and-easy lifestyle we desire. We seek perfection, not realising that pursuing perfection can lead to not pursuing anything at all.
I remember having such a clear vision about how my life could be to the point that it drowned out the fact that I had to go on a journey to get there. I was chasing perfection and, as a result, not moving. I um’d and ah’d about decisions. I refused to commit to one thing. I kept waiting for my perfect life to be handed to me on a platter (spoiler alert: it didn’t happen). The best thing I ever did was make peace with being unpolished, imperfect, a work in progress. And I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m no longer resisting the fact that I’m not yet where I know I can get to.
As the Stockdale Paradox states, we need to confront the brutal facts of reality while remaining optimistic about the future. In the same way, something I wish I’d known at 20 is that I can be both fixated on my own vision AND brutally honest about my shortcomings… And use this to fuel, rather than hinder me.
Lesson Two: Momentum is Everything
This second lesson closely relates to the first point – the most harmful thing you can do, either out of perfectionistic and unrealistic expectations for yourself or out of fear, is to NOT DO ANYTHING. I spent so long thinking about whether a decision was “the right decision or not” and got so caught up in my internal ramblings that I couldn’t make a decision and, as a result, had no momentum. Some of the best advice I’ve ever received is “just do it” (and no, it wasn’t on a Nike poster…).
When you take a step in any direction, things start to happen. You set in motion opportunities that you never would have been able to foresee had you not taken that step. Looking back on the past 5 years I can see how this has played out for me and I now have so much more trust that my actions can and will have a multiplier effect of sorts; that even if I’m uncertain, all I need to do is act and the path will reveal itself. So my advice is to take a step in any direction, and keep taking one step at a time. Doors will open, you’ll meet someone who opens your mind to something, and you’ll happen upon opportunities that may seem like chance, but they weren’t completely by chance.
Lesson Three: It’s Not Just About What You Do, It’s How You Do It
This lesson applies to various aspects of life – work, relationships, emotions, anxiety, and more. HOW you experience your life has a much bigger impact on your sense of meaning, purpose, and fulfilment than WHAT you do. You can have your dream job, but if you are constantly stuck in the day-to-day muck of tasks and problems without taking a moment to appreciate and be grateful for what you have, your life is going to feel unfulfilling. On the other hand, you can have a seemingly crappy job that doesn’t excite you, but if you focus on the HOW you are doing things – being grateful for what you do have, doing your best, and being a positive force for the people around you – your life will have meaning and much more fulfilment.
This takes practice. The attitude of “ONLY when I have such-and-such THEN will I be happy/satisfied/content” is a vicious cycle that will replay itself time and time again, no matter the circumstances, if we allow it. We have to be careful and mindful about the habits we form early on, because these have the potential to dominate our lives later on. We have to practice gratitude, contentment and presence NOW in order to experience these things when relative ‘successes’ come our way.
This is something around which I have become hyper aware, especially as small “successes” start to come my way. There’s always going to be another rung of the ladder to climb, so my goal is to love and embrace the process of climbing, instead of becoming fixated on one specific outcome or achievement.
So these are three standout lessons I’ve come to learn, which I had yet to embrace at the ripe age of 20 (fair enough). Embracing imperfection, maintaining momentum, and focusing on the HOW I approach my work have transformed my perspective and brought more fulfilment to my life.
What about you? What’s something you wish you had known at 20?
